The Miscellanious Tales of Hogwarts
by Feathery Kuja1
Summary: Exactly what the title says. The miscellanious events of Hogwarts. *shudder* Whoa.... I'm halucinating......


A/N: Okay, this is just some miscellanious stuff I made up when I was bored. Yes, that is very often. I hope you enjoy; I know it's kind of off the wall, but... Disclaimer: I don't own any Harry Potter related stuff  
  
  
  
The Miscellanious Tales of Hogwarts  
  
"Harry! What the heck do you thing you're doing?!" Snape shouted. "Remove your head from that cauldron at once!"  
  
But Harry couldn't hear anything Snape had just said because his head was now submerged in a cauldron trying to prove to the class that he could hold his breath for more than ten minutes.  
  
When Harry didn't respond, Snape barked. "Potter! I'll have to see you privately in my office if you don't get your head out of that frickin cauldron!"  
  
Harry's head snapped up and he looked blankly at the professor. "What the heck do you want?"  
  
Little did he know, the whole room was cringing because of an unnatural phenomena, even for Harry.  
  
"What the heck is wrong with you guys?" He asked stupidly.  
  
"Harry! Your head!" Ron wailed before shoving his head into a drawer to escape the sight.  
  
"Huh?" Harry asked and looked up. "I don't see nuttin. Wait. Yeah, I do."  
  
What he saw was a brilliant blinding blue light.  
  
"Sweet!" he shrieked loudly.  
  
"No! Not sweet!" Snape shrieked even louder. "You gay retard! What's wrong with you?!"  
  
The potions master strode up to Harry with a huge sombrero in his hands. He shoved it on Harry's head in attempt to block the light.  
  
"There, that should do it..."  
  
But it did not. The rays of electric blue light began to gleam through the poorly woven Mexican hat.  
  
Harry gasped. "Sweeter!" he cleared his throat. "I dub myself Light Head."  
  
He then turned and walked towards the door. "See ya."  
  
"Potter, regulations state you must stay in class until the bell rings."  
  
The bell rang.  
  
Snape sighed. "Fine, go, you stupid blue Christmas tree. But I suggest you go see Madame Pomfrey for contamination."  
  
"Yeehaw!" Harry yelled running out the door.  
  
~Later that Evening in Snape's Office~  
  
"Hmm. What the heck should I do?" asked Snape as he sat behind his desk with his chin propped up by his hand. "I should have given Potter detention when I had the chance. Stupid blue light head..."  
  
Then an idea popped into his greasy head. "I think I'll call a whore..."  
  
~The Headmaster's Office~  
  
Dubledore sat spinning insanely in his chair. "Whee! I'm gonna be sick but I don't care!" he shouted.  
  
There was a knock at the door.  
  
"COME IN!!!!!! WHEE!" Dumbledore shrieked.  
  
Professor McGonagall walked in looking down at some papers. "Yes, headmaster, I just needed -" was all she said before Dumbledore threw up on her.  
  
She gasped. "Albus! What the heck?!"  
  
He stopped spinning. "Oh, sorry..." he said unsympathetically. "Maybe that'll teach you not to walk in when an old man is about to puke his guts out."  
  
"Wha-" McGonagall began.  
  
The phone on Dumbledore's desk rang. He picked it up to his ear while McGonagall stared at him in shock. "Yes, this is Albus. Oh, hello, Fudge."  
  
McGonagall didn't want to wait anymore. "ALBUS! WHY THE HECK DO YOU HAVE A PHONE?!"  
  
He sighed. "We all have phones, you old bag!" he yelled.  
  
She whimpered and looked down at the floor. "How come I didn't get one...?" she said pathetically.  
  
"We figured you wouldn't be able to use one anyway, you're so old an all. After your time."  
  
She gasped and charged out the door in a fit of rage.  
  
~In a Corridor~  
  
Harry ran insanely down the corridor holding his wand in one hand and a pompom in the other. "Go Light Head!" he shouted.  
  
"Shut the heck up!" Malfoy drawled. He was holding a banana over his head. "DIE, RADIOACTVE FREAK OF NATURE!!"  
  
Malfoy promptly squeezed the banana which shot out of the peel and into Harry's eye.  
  
"OH MY GOD!! THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE!" he screamed, falling to the ground in a twitching heap.  
  
"Haha!" Malfoy laughed running in the other direction. "I AM THE KIN- " he dropped the banana peel, slipped, and fell out the window.  
  
~Outside the Dungeons~  
  
McGonagall pounded hard on the door to the dungeons. "Severus! Let me in!"  
  
The door opened a small crack and a black eye was visible peering at her from the other side. "What do you want?"  
  
"I WANT TO KICK DUMBLEDORE'S WRINKLED OLD BUTT TO HELL OR THE PREFECT'S BATHROOM OR SOMEPLACE ELSE REAL BAD!!"  
  
Snape didn't respond at first. "Well, then go ahead."  
  
McGonagall sighed in annoyance. "Just get out here!"  
  
Snape's eye darted around the outside for anything suspicious, then he slid out and closed the door quietly behind him.  
  
"Okay, what is it?"  
  
She took a step back. "Dumbledore has got to go. I can't stand him and his old man smell anymore."  
  
Snape paused and snorted. "Really? I always thought that was you."  
  
"JUST SHUT UP ALREADY! I'M REALLY REALLY MAD TO BEGIN WITH, YOU DON'T NEED TO ANGER ME FURTHER!"  
  
He snorted again, this time in amusement. "Fine, old hag. What do we need to do... as long as it doesn't take me past eight o'clock."  
  
"Why?"  
  
He smirked. "No reason..."  
  
~Slytherin Common Room~  
  
"Where the heck did Snape go?" Malfoy asked from an armchair in the corner. His leg was in a cast and a sling was wrapped around his arm. "I can't wait to sue that Potter."  
  
"How the heck should we know?" asked Pansy Parkinson. "He's never here. Why don't you go check his office."  
  
Draco sat and thought for a moment. "All right, then I will."  
  
He got feebly to his feet and marched towards the potions classroom, which was only a few winding corridors away from the common room.  
  
~Back in Dumbledore's Office~  
  
"Spank me harder, Gilderoy!"  
  
~The Transfiguration Classroom~  
  
"Tonight, we strike." McGonagall said dramatically in the dim candle light of the otherwise dark classroom.  
  
"But you haven't even got a plan!" Snape cried in her face. "How do you know what to do?!"  
  
"Don't worry. I know..." she said getting up and walking over to her desk. She pulled a drawer open and took out what looked like a small plastic case of some sort, but she shoved it into her robes before Snape could identify it.  
  
"What was that?" he asked.  
  
"Nothing. Now leave. You're too annoying."  
  
"Fine." he said curtly and stood up. "I'll be in my office."  
  
~Snape's Office~  
  
Draco Malfoy slowly pushed the door open with his good arm. There was no one here.  
  
Malfoy groaned audibly. "Now what am I to do? I'm not even supposed to be here in the first place."  
  
He stepped in, deciding to make the best of his stay. "I wonder what Snape would do if I belly danced for him on his desk..."  
  
Malfoy rudely plopped down into the chair behind Snape's desk and waited. Of course, he became bored immediately, which was only expected of a feeble mind such as his. He began to stare at the jars containing anonymous creatures and body parts, when something strange happened.  
  
A huge tower of fire erupted before him. A man with short black hair and a strange outfit appeared inside it.  
  
"Ah!" Malfoy screamed. "You're on fire!"  
  
Before the man could object, Malfoy pulled out his wand and sent a gush of water towards the fire.  
  
"Ah! You got me wet!" cried the man. The fire sizzled out and all that was left was an annoyed wet guy. "You have no idea how many people have done that."  
  
"You mean you do this often?" Malfoy asked, wand still in hand.  
  
The man sighed. "No...not really. Anyway, I have a mission for you."  
  
"Cool! What is it?" Malfoy asked with an idiotic grin on his face.  
  
"Okay, here's what you got to do..." the man looked around the room as if searching for eavesdroppers. "I need two glasses and a bottle of whiskey."  
  
Malfoy furrowed his brow. "Why?"  
  
"Don't ask questions, just do it."  
  
"Fine. Who are you?"  
  
"I thought you'd never ask." before Malfoy could make some other stupid comment, two great white wings unfolded from the man's back. "I... Am... The Metatron." he stated dramatically.  
  
"Ohhh." Malfoy said, still grinning stupidly. "You must be my guardian angel!"  
  
The Metatron winced. "Please, I'd rather watch that huge man down in the hut do a striptease before allowing myself to be your guardian angel. Besides, I'm not just an angel, I'm the voice of God."  
  
Malfoy laughed sarcastically. "Sure, as if God can't speak for himself!"  
  
"Herself! God is She, not him."  
  
"God's a her? Cool! Does that mean the devil is too?!"  
  
The Metatron looked unamused. "Never mind, just get me my whiskey!"  
  
~Somewhere in the Forbidden Forest~  
  
"Ahahaha... Everything is going according to plan..."  
  
A man with shoulder length messy black hair and a beard stood among the trees.  
  
"Yes, sire. All preparations are accounted for. Shall we send them in?" asked a girlish looking man with waist length silvery purple hair standing next to him.  
  
"Not yet..."  
  
"Inform me when you are ready, sire." the man bowed and backed off a few feet.  
  
"Soon..." he cooed to no one particular. "Soon..."  
  
~Dumbledore's Office~  
  
"Uh oh... What just snapped?"  
  
~Snape's Office~  
  
Severus Snape slowly approached the door to his office. "What IS that sound?" he asked himself.  
  
Summoning all his rage or courage or something else dramatic, he grabbed the knob and threw the door open.  
  
"What the heck?!" he yelled.  
  
The Metatron was sitting in a corner with his legs sprawled out in front of him, holding two glasses in his hands and a half empty bottle of whiskey sat next to him. "Oh, hello. You must be...." he didn't know, so he just came to the conclusion of, "Greasy."  
  
Snape gasped. "You will NOT call me Greasy!" he spat. "And what ARE you doing in my office."  
  
The Metatron smirked. "I AM doing NOTHING."  
  
"Do you dare to mock me?!"  
  
"Maybe I do...Snape."  
  
Snape relaxed a little at hearing his name. "Fine. Then what do you want?"  
  
The Metatron set the two glasses down next to him and stood up, using the wall as a prop. "I have been sent from above to give you a mission." he stated formally.  
  
"Really?" Snape looked up at the ceiling. "You aren't the guy who's been living in the attic, are you?"  
  
"No!" The Metatron shouted. "I assure you I am not. I am from ABOVE!" he pointed upwards with his finger. "Heaven."  
  
"Ohhhh," Snape said, pretending to understand.  
  
"Yes," The Metatron continued. "First of all, let me get this straight. You are Severus Snape, correct?"  
  
"Um, yeah. And who might you be?"  
  
The Metatron smiled. "I... Am... The Metatron." he said, spreading his wings out.  
  
Snape stared. "What the heck?!"  
  
"You have been given a mission, and it is to stop Nirvana McGongall from kicking Albus Bumbledore out on his arse,"  
  
"Um. It's Minerva McGongall and Ablus Dumbledore."  
  
"Oh, whatever, I'm too intoxicated at the moment to tell the difference anyway!"  
  
"But I though you spit everything out!" Draco accused him from Snape's chair.  
  
The Metatron glanced back. "Shut up, boy!"  
  
Snape wanted to applaud, but thought the Metatron might insult him for being foolish and just snorted instead.  
  
"Ahem. Getting back to the point, you have exactly one hour to do so."  
  
"What?! Only an hour?! This isn't fair!" Snape shouted.  
  
"I don' care if it's fair, just do it!" The Metatron said before sinking back into his position on the cold floor and taking the two shot glasses up in his hands.  
  
Snape sighed. "Fine. I'll go do it now."  
  
~In the Gryffindor Common Room~ Ron sat slouched in an armchair reading a magazine while Hermione sat on the floor amidst a bunch of books. Ron sighed and looked up. "This is so boring...I'm gonna go find Harry." "Whatever," Hermione said from her position on the floor. Ron got up and jumped out the portrait hole. When she was sure Ron was gone, Hermione stood and picked up Ron's discarded magazine. Her eyes grew wide in shock. "RON'S A PORN FREAK?!"  
  
~The Forbidden Forest~  
  
"Now!"  
  
~Another Corridor~  
  
Snape ran down the corridors in a frenzy. The minutes were ticking away. "MINERVA!" he cried. "COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!"  
  
McGongall turned the corner in front of him.  
  
Snape skidded to a halt. "PEEK A BOO I SEE YOU!!"  
  
"Shut up, Severus!"  
  
"Oh, hello, Minerva. I brought you some fffffffish!" he said happily.  
  
McGonagall stared at him blankly for a moment. "Go get yourself some Viagra, how about it Snape?"  
  
Snape blinked. "What? You idiot! What are you doing out at this hour?!"  
  
Now McGonagall blinked. "Severus, it's only seven-thirty. Look, the sun has just gone down."  
  
"Oh, whatever. My point is, stay away from Dumbledore. He has to stay here."  
  
McGonagall snorted in disgust. "I'm not going to sit around all day pretending like that man doesn't get on my nerves! I'm going to do something about! NOW!"  
  
She began to run down the corridor, her old age making no obstacle.  
  
"WAIT!" Snape shrieked from behind her. "YOU'LL KILL US ALL!"  
  
~Outside Gryffindor Common Room~  
  
Ron looked around in the darkness, not knowing exactly where to start looking for his fine lightbulb headed friend. Then there was a shriek of deranged bliss and a brilliant blue light.  
  
Harry ran by shouting and flailing his arms. "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE?!"  
  
Ron gaped at him. "Harry, what are you doing?! Have you gone mad?!"  
  
"Yes." the little Ron inside his head said.  
  
"Oh..." Ron looked down and saw a small glass bottle with a dark fluid contained within it and a note attached around the neck. He picked it up and opened the note.  
  
"Oooooh, another potion I've never heard of! This could be useful...." a dark shadow fell over his face. "On Harry..."  
  
The the next moment there was a small pop, and on his right shoulder sat a miniature McGonagall dressed in a long white robe, holding a harp, and a small halo bobbed above her head.  
  
"Don't do it, Ron!" she said dramatically. "You could ruin Harry! Besides, you don't even know what's in it!"  
  
Ron looked down at the bottle with a guilty expression on his face. "You're right. I don't. I don't even know why I thought that in the first place..."  
  
"Yes, be a good boy!" she encouraged him happily.  
  
"I suppose-"  
  
There was another small pop, this time from his left shoulder. He glanced over at the source of the sound.  
  
"You're late!" McGonagall said.  
  
"SHUT UP!" screamed the eensey weensey little devil Snape that had appeared. He had two little devil horns, a miniature pointed tail, and held a pitchfork in his hands. "Thought you could get a headstart without me, eh?!" said angrily.  
  
The Angel McGonagall sighed. "I always win anyway."  
  
"No!" Devil Snape said. "Watch this!"  
  
Devil Snape turned to Ron. "Go give Potter the potion, Weasley! You know you want to! You want to do something bad to him, because deep down inside you know he's better than you!"  
  
Ron's eyes widened. "He's right! I am a bad friend, aren't I?! Now I'll do away with that Harry! AHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
McGonagall gasped. "Why, Severus, you little demon! How could you?!"  
  
The Devil Snape cackled in his high-pitched miniature-Snape voice. "Told ya,"  
  
McGonagall frowned and stepped closer to Ron's neck. "Ronald Weasley, you would never do that to your best friend!"  
  
Ron looked back at her. "I know...I just though..."  
  
"NO! You must never hurt your best friends!"  
  
"Hey, shut up!" Devil Snape poked Ron's neck with the pitchfork. "Don't listen to her, she knows nothing!"  
  
"I think you should leave now, demon!"  
  
"Hey, that hurts!"  
  
"The truth hurts, boy!"  
  
"So that means I can tell you exactly how many wrinkles I counted on your face the other day?"  
  
"SEVERUS!!"  
  
"MINERVA!!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" yelled Ron. "This is too confusing for my feeble mind to handle, so I'm just going to make the best of it and throw this thing at Harry. I might not have done this two days ago, but it's not fair! Now Harry's head glows and mine doesn't!"  
  
"That's the spirit, Weasley." Devil Snape said patting his neck.  
  
~Back in Snape's Office~  
  
"Ninety-ten-one-fifty bottles of beer on the wall!" The Metatron sang drunkenly.  
  
"Hey!" Malfoy protested. "Save some for me, too!"  
  
"Shut up, kid." The Metatron said absentmindedly waving a hand. "I've got work to do, and I can't do it when you're constantly annoying me."  
  
"You're really drunk, aren't you?" Malfoy drawled from behind the desk.  
  
"Maybe I am, Drain-all, maybe I am..."  
  
~The Entrance Hall~  
  
A loud knock on the door jerked the running Harry out of his trance.  
  
"Uh?" he looked stupidly at the large door and then walked over. "Whadda you want?!" he demanded through the door.  
  
"I demand to enter!" a muffled voice said from the other side. "Now let me in!"  
  
Harry though for a moment. "Okay..."  
  
He opened the door and a tall dark haired man stepped in with a smaller, skinnier man with long silver hair at his side.  
  
"I am the Sheriff of Nottingham. Call me George, and I'll cut your 'eart out with a spoon!"  
  
Harry nodded vaguely.  
  
The silver haired servant of the sheriff's tapped his shoulder.  
  
"Sire, we should get this done with as quickly as possible." he suggested.  
  
"Of course, Kujaku." he said staring into the darkness of the entrance hall.  
  
Suddenly, Ron Weasley came running around a corner screaming hysterically.  
  
"AHHH! I'LL GET YOU, HARRY!" he shrieked, clutching the dreaded bottle in his hands. On his shoulders still perched the Angel McGonagall and Devil Snape.  
  
"NO!! RON, DON'T DO IT!" the Angel McGonagall pleaded.  
  
Devil Snape only cackled in sadistic glee.  
  
Then the real McGonagall and Snape came charging down the opposite corridor.  
  
"I'LL GET YOU, MINERVA!" Snape cried with a baseball bat in his hands.  
  
"I'LL GET YOU FIRST, SEVEDOOOS!!"  
  
"HEY, ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF MY NAME?!"  
  
The Metatron suddenly appeared in front of them, staggering to the nearest wall with his two shot glasses.  
  
The Sheriff of Nottingham's eyes widened. "The Metatron!" he gasped.  
  
The Metatron's dilated eyes looked up to glance at the Sheriff.  
  
"Uh...? George...? There are two of you now...?"  
  
The Sheriff of Nottingham only sneered. "Too drunk to be rid of me, eh? Then this should be easier than I thought!"  
  
"NO!" Snape screamed running up to the highly intoxicated angel. "YOU CAN'T LET HIM GET AWAY!"  
  
The Metatron only passed out on the floor.  
  
The Sheriff looked over at his servant. "Kujaku! You know what to do!"  
  
Kujaku nodded gravely as a purple tint surrounded him. Almost everything about him turned red, even his long hair, and feathers began to cover the majority of his body.  
  
"Bloody 'ell!" Ron cried.  
  
"Weasley! Ten points from Gryffindor for cursing!" Snape shouted, then looked back up at the mutated servant who was now floating near the ceiling.  
  
A purple orb shaped in his hand, then it launched at the wall behind them.  
  
There was a large explosion, in which the stone went flying and people began screaming and Ron Weasley was pinned beneath a large piece of granite.  
  
"Man down! Man down!" he cried.  
  
"NO!" McGonagall shouted. "THAT WALL WAS SO BEAUTIFUL!!"  
  
Enraged, she grabbed the potion from Ron's limp hand and threw it at the Sheriff of Nottingham.  
  
He yelled in shock as it hit him in the arm, and then there was a hissing sound. As soon as the smoke cleared, a little black butterfly was visible flying threw the wreckage.  
  
"I'll kill you, old hag!" it squealed in miniature. "Just you wait!"  
  
Then it flew from the castle and back into the dark night.  
  
Kujaku lowered back towards the ground and changed back into his "normal" self. "Uh...sorry..." he said walking out the door too.  
  
Then there was a knock and Snape's head snapped up.  
  
"Uh...hi..." a girl with blond hair stood in the doorway. Snape got up and ran over.  
  
"Oh!" he said happily. "You must be the..." he leaned over and whispered the 'w' word in her ear.  
  
"Yeah, I am."  
  
"Cool!" he cried grabbing her arm.  
  
"Yeah, I'm technically the devil, but you can call me Christine."  
  
"Okay..." he said only half listening and dragged her out of the room.  
  
Ron got up and dusted himself off. "I'm okay..." he said walking back towards the Gryffindor common room. McGonagall sat sobbing in front of the wall.  
  
"It was so beautiful! So young..."  
  
~The End of Part I~  
  
A/N: Uh... I hope you like that little story I wrote. I konw, it's really weird, but I had nothing else to do, so.........you could probably guess what happened from there, right? I though so.... Oh yeah, I don't own the Sheriff of Nottingham or Kuja(ku). Robin Hood and Final Fantasy IX do. 


End file.
